Breaking up is hard. Whether you’re quietly Googling this at 2 a.m. or sitting in your car wondering how you got here, just know—you’re not alone.
It is a big decision, and it’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed. Whether it’s been on your mind for months or has suddenly become a reality, knowing what to expect can make the process less daunting.
Ending a relationship—whether it’s a marriage, civil union, or de facto partnership—is more than just an emotional shift; it also comes with legal and financial considerations. But you don’t have to figure it out alone.
This guide breaks down what you need to know, from practical legal steps to emotional support, helping you move forward with clarity and confidence.
Step 1: Understanding Separation – What Does It Actually Mean?
Separation doesn’t just mean moving out. You can be legally “separated” even while still living under the same roof, as long as you’re leading separate lives, such as having separate finances, not sharing meals, and sleeping in different rooms.
Questions to ask yourself before making the decision:
- Am I emotionally and financially ready for this step?
- Have I considered what’s best for my children (if any)?
- Do I have a safe and stable place to go if I leave?
Separation is a process, and before making any big decisions, it’s important to know your rights and prepare for the road ahead.
Step 2: Do You Need a Formal Agreement?
If you and your ex share significant assets, including the family home, a formal separation agreement is required to protect both parties and provide legal certainty. While there’s no general legal obligation to have one, it’s often necessary for dividing property, sorting finances, and making arrangements for children.
Your options:
- Informal Agreement: If things are amicable, you and your ex can work out the details together and put them in writing. However, if you are dealing with any assets of more than a modest value, you will need this agreement to be drawn up by a lawyer and for both parties to have their own independent legal advice.
- Relationship Property Agreement: A legally binding document that sets out who gets what (property, debts, etc.).
- The Family Court: If your ex is making things difficult, you can apply to the Family Court for orders relating to property and childcare issues.
Step 3: Splitting the Property – How Assets and Debts Are Divided
New Zealand law follows a 50/50 rule when dividing relationship property. This means:
- The family home is considered relationship property, regardless of whose name is on the title.
- Shared assets like vehicles, savings, and KiwiSaver contributions will usually be split equally.
- Relationship debts (such as loans and credit cards) will also be divided.
Exceptions to the 50/50 rule:
- If you’ve been together for less than three years, the division may not be equal.
- If one partner made a significantly greater financial contribution.
- If splitting things evenly would be extraordinarily unfair.
Before discussing who gets what, it helps to make a list of all shared assets and debts. This will make negotiations clearer and help avoid unnecessary conflict.
Step 4: What About the Children?
If you have children, their well-being is the priority. Separation can be challenging for them, and ensuring stability and consistency is key.
This means working out:
- Where they will live—will they stay with one parent or move between homes?
- Who makes decisions about schooling, medical care, and daily life?
- Child support obligations—both parents are expected to contribute financially.
If you and your ex can agree on arrangements, you can create a Parenting Plan that outlines custody, care arrangements, and decision-making responsibilities. If agreement isn’t possible, the Family Court can assist.
Living Arrangements and the Family Home
One of the biggest challenges during separation is deciding who stays in the family home, especially when children are involved.
- If one parent is the primary caregiver, it may be in the children’s best interests for them to remain in the family home to minimise disruption.
- If there’s disagreement, you may need to seek legal advice or apply for an Occupation Order through the Family Court. This order determines who can remain in the home while the separation is being resolved.
- If there are safety concerns, a Protection Order may also be necessary to ensure a safe living environment for you and your children.
Parenting Through Separation Course
The Ministry of Justice offers a free Parenting Through Separation course to help parents understand how to manage shared care, minimise conflict, and put their children’s needs first.
Even if you think you’re handling things well, this course provides valuable practical guidance on co-parenting after separation. It’s highly recommended for all separating parents.
To learn more or register, visit Parenting Through Separation.
Step 5: Managing Finances After Separation
Financial independence is often one of the biggest challenges after a breakup, especially for those who have been financially dependent on their partner. If you’ve been a stay-at-home parent or had a lower income during the relationship, the thought of managing finances alone can feel overwhelming. It’s completely normal to feel uncertain or even fearful about how you’ll support yourself and/or your children—but there are practical steps and support options available to help you regain financial stability.
The first steps to take include:
- Assessing your financial situation – Take stock of your income, expenses, savings, and any debts. If you don’t have full visibility over your finances, now is the time to gather information.
- Opening your own bank account – If you don’t already have one, setting up an account in your name ensures financial independence moving forward.
- Closing or adjusting joint accounts – This prevents unexpected withdrawals and ensures you have control over your funds. If necessary, change account settings so both signatures are required for withdrawals.
- Sorting out debts – Ensure you’re not held responsible for debts that aren’t yours. If possible, work out a plan with your ex to fairly divide joint liabilities.
- Updating insurance policies and wills – If your partner was listed as a beneficiary or policyholder, make necessary changes to protect your interests.
- Planning for housing and living costs – If staying in the family home isn’t an option, look into rental assistance, WINZ support or support from family while you establish a new living arrangement.
If finances are tight, support may be available through Work and Income New Zealand (WINZ). It’s worth checking what assistance you may be eligible for.
Step 6: Divorce (If You’re Married or in a Civil Union)
If you’re married or in a civil union, separation is just the first step. You can apply for a divorce (dissolution of marriage) after living apart for two years.
Exceptions: If you are leaving an abusive relationship, you may be able to apply for an immediate dissolution under special circumstances.
If your ex refuses to sign the divorce application, you can still apply for a divorce on your own.
Step 7: If You Are in a Family Violence Situation
If you or your children are experiencing family violence, your safety is the utmost priority. Family violence includes physical, sexual, emotional, and psychological abuse from a partner or family member.
Immediate Steps to Ensure Safety:
- If you are in immediate danger, call 111 and ask for the police. If speaking is unsafe, press 55 on a mobile to be connected to emergency services.
- Protection Orders can prevent an abusive person from contacting or harming you. These can be applied for through the Family Court.
- If you are unsure of your legal options, speak to a lawyer immediately. Laurence Herbke, is experienced in family violence cases and can help you apply for legal protection.
Support Services Available:
- Women’s Refuge – 24/7 crisis support and safe housing (www.womensrefuge.org.nz)
- Shine – Domestic violence helpline and support (www.2shine.org.nz)
- Family Violence Information Line – Call 0800 456 450 for advice and support
- Oranga Tamariki – Ministry for Children – If you’re concerned about a child’s safety, call 0508 326 459 (0508 FAMILY)
Ensuring the safety and wellbeing of children is paramount. The Family Court can issue Care or Protection Orders to protect children from harm. Support services and counselling are available to help children cope and recover from family violence.
You are not alone. There are people and services ready to help you take the next step toward safety.
Moving Forward with Confidence
Separation is difficult, but it is also the first step toward a new chapter. By taking things step by step and getting the right support, you can navigate this transition with greater confidence.
You don’t need to have all the answers today. Just focus on the next step that is right for you.
If you need legal advice, Corban Revell is here to help. Our experienced and approachable team provides clear, practical legal guidance to help you through separation, divorce, and family violence matters.
For urgent assistance in family violence situations, contact our lawyer Laurence Herbke immediately for advice and legal protection.
Contact
Laurence Herbke
Mobile: 027 530 7086
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